It's 3.37am..Had the intention of finishing ALL my work before helping mummy out later...but somehow or rather,my mind is like 'jamming' up inside..can no longer take in neither can it produce answers to the question for my project,tutorial and lab practical questions..
my sister's boyfrend.i've never met someone whom is willing to give it all in a relationship or rather shud i say it's rare to find a guy who does so..7 years of their realtionship,me and him are no different from a sibling and a bestfrend.He's such a nice guy..He tries to be with my sister no matter how tired,moody,sad,angry or happy..It's like as though nothing else matters to him when he's with my sister.I'm not sure if my other sibling does notice the little things he does for my Sis Nad..
He would always try to be with my sister.When sis Nad is sick in the middle of the night despite his night shift and him being tired,he would still make his way to our house to take sis Nad to the hospital and accompany her. When sis Nad intends to go out and get even just A stuff or two,he would wanna accompany her willingly. He would also take the INITATIVE to take sis Nad out for dinner or supper after work even though he knows that a long day will be waiting for him the next day. He would also text my sis every part of the day to ensure that she has eaten,she is okay and everything is fine..He would also open up his pair of ears willingly and hear my sister sharing or complaining about work,frends,personal stuff and many more... 7 years together and yet it seems that they've only been together for a few months.. with him showering my sister with his sincerest and endless love. It really suprise and amaze me because things and sacrifices done like this are usually the first few months or rather the first 1-2 years of a relationship.But it's already been 7 years.
He is someone whom does not only say that he wants to be with my sister but in fact he SHOWED it..no doubt that he loves my sister and i can count on him to take care of my sister few years down the road.insya'allah!amin!The commitment,initiative is all there..and he need not go around telling people what he has done for my sister for people can see it for themselves...
Okay,back to where i was,school has been very hectic and somehow or rather im thankful that im able to balance everything..Due dates for assignments and quizes are all drawing nearer.
I've been trying very hard to be consistent with my work for i believe whatever i put it, will be whatever that i get and insya'allah i'll get the GPA which i've always aimed for this semester.AMIN!
Sweetheart..Sweetheart has been my pillar of support..In terms of studies and all..When i'm on the verge of giving up,she would encourage and motivate me to continue striving and not to give up..For there's no way one can reach up the ladder with both hands in their pockets..Not only that, she also has always been there for me in terms of emotional support..and never fail to lend a shoulder and opening up her pair of ears whenever i tend to pour out how i feel. I appreciate for the fact that she always gives me idea and suggestions even though at times not..her pair of ears and shoulders are MORE then enough to me...She also NEVER fail to tickle me pink with each passing day..one of the few reasons why i love being around her..She knows what kind of position im in and never fail to paint a smile on my face which without her realising makes me forget about all the sorrows deep inside me...She's MORE then a frend to me..She's even closer to me then my own family..I see her almost everyday for long hours in school and when im home it's like my social sourronding is cut off..mum is busy with her work,abg with his jamming,kak ain and sis nad with both work and partners,adik..adik is the only one whom i always talk to the most but not as much as compared to sweetheart..Thats one of the reason why sweetheart is no different from my own kin..To me she's not only like a sister but everything...The only one whom understads me in and out...The only one whom can tolerate me of my lame jokes and my everything..and i hope the person in her will grow in my boyfrend,the pillar whom i can lean on,pour out my sorrows or when laughing my ass off..it'll still be there for me..and hopefully as time goes by...things will change...because for now,i know i can only count on him..because im not that close to my family...
I've tried.i've tried to share all my feelings with my boyfrend but it somehow seems 'uninteresting' or to put it in a harsher way...he wun be interested to do so...When we meet,we met for only a few hours to carry out our plans and by then..there will be no time to 'share'...He's busy with family,training and work..Especially work lately..I rarely get a text message from him or rather after a text message or two being sent out,i wud only get it back a few hours later..ask me and i say...i miss him badly deep inside:'(
and at times it does disappoint me..the one that i thought i could get the love showered from to compensate for the love which i never had since young is not there..But i cant possibly blame him..he also has his duties to carry out..Never the less i love him for wat he was in the past,wat he is now and wat he will be in the future..
I know wat it feels like not to be loved by closed ones especially family..And since he has it all,i try to complete it as a whole...trying my very best to put in initiative and commitment in our realtionship..I really-really love him deep in my heartand i hope somehow or rather he can feel it.Ask me and i'll say he's my priority to to everything..i would do anything just to be with him...despite me being tired,angry,sad or in any emotion state...for nothing else matters when im with him...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
This weekend is a so called ''bonous'' to me..
Mum didn't ask me to tag along to the shop..
Nevertheless,i didnt took it for granted for i know weekdays will pass and weekends will be here again in no time and im very sure that i will have to help mum when the next weekend comes.Thus,yesterday i went to sweetheart's(Liyana) house and did my Textiles and Fundamentals..Did the research followed by the decoration for my Lifestlye sewing cover..There's still alot more to cover thus im trying to work very hard to complete it by today so that my mind will be carefree since im not sure when can i get an opportunity like this again.But somehow or rather i just cant bear it at the thought of mum working at the shop.i pity her.
it's not about the money,money,money...
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Money..wat is money??
Mum has been busy finding money day and night that without her realising she's neglected her children.I still remember when i was young,mum would drive her van to her work place with me and little brother sleeping behind of the van with two matress laid for us.When mum is in the shop,the back door of the van wud be open for air to come in so me and little brother wun't be hot and as a little girl,i wud constantly peek at mum in the van when she's doing her work.As young as 11,i've been helping mum at her shop.And as young as 7,dad left mum.
Doing a catering business is like earning big bucks in no time.But somehow or rather i see no point in having thoes big bucks in ur hand and ur family is upside down on the other hand.Honestly,when i deliver food during the weekends,i cry in my heart.Not because i'm reluctant to help.I cry because i cant study when others are at home studying.I cry because others are spending time with their family whereas there i am at mummy shop facing the heat,controlling my emotions while being hurl vulgarities at times.And i also cry for mummy,because while i see other mummys spending time with their children,there my mummy is slogging off to find money.
Mum is rich and i mean way too rich and i wonder why is she still working so hard to find more money.I can say it's unfair to her and me and my siblings..It's time for her to retire,it's time for her to settle down,spent time with the family and shower herself with lots of luxuries..And if she does so,my siblings and i can also spent time with her and we can do our things..But that's not the case.money.money.money is all in her mind.she's too obsessed with money and i cant say i yearn the REAL love a mother wud give to their children.For i'm robbed of it since young,i've never really felt wat it's like to sit next to mum,joke with her,spent time with her,laugh with her and do everything with her and thinking about it just hurt so bad.
This is one of the main reason why i wanna study hard,get a good education,good career so i can break out of this.I'm tired and i pity mum and little brother.For little brother always have to hep mum with me during the weekends without fail.I told myself that when i have a family one day,i wun neglect my family especially my children.For as a child,i how how it feels like to be robbed of a parent's love.It's something that one cant imagine.It just hurt so bad thinking about it.And i thought when i have that special someone in my life,the love that i've lost since young wud be filled once again.But i guess it's false hope.What passed nothing can ever make up to it.Whats more,he has his own family to care for..Ouh well,wat more can i ask for??i shud have gotten used to not being loved since young but somehow or rather i'm still in search for the love that i've lost.
Tired,yes i'm very-very tired.my weekends are burnt helping mummy out at the shop.Sometimes till night when it's busy.Even if i were to meet boyfrend,we'll meet in the evening for a short while.On monday,i have school from 9-6 in the evening and when i come back,i have religious class till 10.30pm afterwhich i'll be too tired to study that i head to bed straight.On tuesday i end school at 2pm and when i get home,i take a short nap and after which have my religious class again till 8.30pm.On wednesday i end school at 3pm but when i get home,by then i'll be extremely exhausted.So,i'll have a goood long lost nap if not i'll study...On thursday stat school at 9 till 6 in the evening and again by then i'll be too tired to study,even if i were to study,not much goes into my mind.On friday,i end school at 4pm..that is the day where i can really sit down and study for by then i'll no longer be exhausted.This are roughly my schedule at times i would put in some time for driving lesson and also boyfrend despite thoes busy and tiring schedule.
Mum is someone whom i daren't go against.Studies is something that im working hard for,to give me a good and secured future in time to come.Religious class is something which i hope one day it will lead me back to the right path.Boyfrend is someone whom i hope one day understands me in and out and would be able to lend me his sholuders and be there during time when i need him the most.That's the reason why my schedule every week is so packed.For all of them matters to me..mum,studies,religious class,boyfrend.
I really envy those family whom can spent their weekends together happily and go for holiday or picnic or any outing as planned.I also envy this someone,kak Maria my cousin.She's a fine pretty and elegant white lady.She doesnt have high education just till her N's.But her life now is...She got married when she's 23,have a child when she's 24..She dated her husband when she was 18 for 5 years before they got married.Her husband gave her a good life.They have a shelter over their head,a car to drive them around and the little one.They lead a simple and happy life though they are not rich.Besides that,kak Maria is also not working,her husband is the one whom is providing the family..Which i find kak Maria a lucky person to be with him..They always have family time during the weekends,go off for a holiday...What im trying to say is,wat is money??When u cant buy the love and the time that u cud have spent with ur family..
Well for now,i hope that when i have a family one day...It'll just be as simple as this...I dont ask to be shower with luxuries,i dont ask for a big car to drive,i dont ask for a big house to live in..All i ask for is...the love..which money cant buy...
Insya'allah.Amin.
An also a family which i've envy-ed.My boyfrend family.They live an average life and they are so close and happy together.Even to the extend when boyfrend is with his family,he can not message me the WHOLE day!!!gggrrrhhh..But still,i try to accomodate as i love seeing him spending time together with his family member..I've lack all those feeling that he has..And at times it just hurt when i tot i cud get the love which i never had since young to be showered from him but i just dont get it..I can say he's more to his family..yeap,which at times make me feel like as though i'm an extra in his life.At times i just want him to be with me but that's selfish because..just because i lack the family love which i never had since young till now,that doesnt give me the permission to rob him of his to..And i really admire how his parents brought them up.
Well,all in all,i hope few years down the road,when i have a career and a family..Everything would change...
Insya'allah.amin.
Doing a catering business is like earning big bucks in no time.But somehow or rather i see no point in having thoes big bucks in ur hand and ur family is upside down on the other hand.Honestly,when i deliver food during the weekends,i cry in my heart.Not because i'm reluctant to help.I cry because i cant study when others are at home studying.I cry because others are spending time with their family whereas there i am at mummy shop facing the heat,controlling my emotions while being hurl vulgarities at times.And i also cry for mummy,because while i see other mummys spending time with their children,there my mummy is slogging off to find money.
Mum is rich and i mean way too rich and i wonder why is she still working so hard to find more money.I can say it's unfair to her and me and my siblings..It's time for her to retire,it's time for her to settle down,spent time with the family and shower herself with lots of luxuries..And if she does so,my siblings and i can also spent time with her and we can do our things..But that's not the case.money.money.money is all in her mind.she's too obsessed with money and i cant say i yearn the REAL love a mother wud give to their children.For i'm robbed of it since young,i've never really felt wat it's like to sit next to mum,joke with her,spent time with her,laugh with her and do everything with her and thinking about it just hurt so bad.
This is one of the main reason why i wanna study hard,get a good education,good career so i can break out of this.I'm tired and i pity mum and little brother.For little brother always have to hep mum with me during the weekends without fail.I told myself that when i have a family one day,i wun neglect my family especially my children.For as a child,i how how it feels like to be robbed of a parent's love.It's something that one cant imagine.It just hurt so bad thinking about it.And i thought when i have that special someone in my life,the love that i've lost since young wud be filled once again.But i guess it's false hope.What passed nothing can ever make up to it.Whats more,he has his own family to care for..Ouh well,wat more can i ask for??i shud have gotten used to not being loved since young but somehow or rather i'm still in search for the love that i've lost.
Tired,yes i'm very-very tired.my weekends are burnt helping mummy out at the shop.Sometimes till night when it's busy.Even if i were to meet boyfrend,we'll meet in the evening for a short while.On monday,i have school from 9-6 in the evening and when i come back,i have religious class till 10.30pm afterwhich i'll be too tired to study that i head to bed straight.On tuesday i end school at 2pm and when i get home,i take a short nap and after which have my religious class again till 8.30pm.On wednesday i end school at 3pm but when i get home,by then i'll be extremely exhausted.So,i'll have a goood long lost nap if not i'll study...On thursday stat school at 9 till 6 in the evening and again by then i'll be too tired to study,even if i were to study,not much goes into my mind.On friday,i end school at 4pm..that is the day where i can really sit down and study for by then i'll no longer be exhausted.This are roughly my schedule at times i would put in some time for driving lesson and also boyfrend despite thoes busy and tiring schedule.
Mum is someone whom i daren't go against.Studies is something that im working hard for,to give me a good and secured future in time to come.Religious class is something which i hope one day it will lead me back to the right path.Boyfrend is someone whom i hope one day understands me in and out and would be able to lend me his sholuders and be there during time when i need him the most.That's the reason why my schedule every week is so packed.For all of them matters to me..mum,studies,religious class,boyfrend.
I really envy those family whom can spent their weekends together happily and go for holiday or picnic or any outing as planned.I also envy this someone,kak Maria my cousin.She's a fine pretty and elegant white lady.She doesnt have high education just till her N's.But her life now is...She got married when she's 23,have a child when she's 24..She dated her husband when she was 18 for 5 years before they got married.Her husband gave her a good life.They have a shelter over their head,a car to drive them around and the little one.They lead a simple and happy life though they are not rich.Besides that,kak Maria is also not working,her husband is the one whom is providing the family..Which i find kak Maria a lucky person to be with him..They always have family time during the weekends,go off for a holiday...What im trying to say is,wat is money??When u cant buy the love and the time that u cud have spent with ur family..
Well for now,i hope that when i have a family one day...It'll just be as simple as this...I dont ask to be shower with luxuries,i dont ask for a big car to drive,i dont ask for a big house to live in..All i ask for is...the love..which money cant buy...
Insya'allah.Amin.
An also a family which i've envy-ed.My boyfrend family.They live an average life and they are so close and happy together.Even to the extend when boyfrend is with his family,he can not message me the WHOLE day!!!gggrrrhhh..But still,i try to accomodate as i love seeing him spending time together with his family member..I've lack all those feeling that he has..And at times it just hurt when i tot i cud get the love which i never had since young to be showered from him but i just dont get it..I can say he's more to his family..yeap,which at times make me feel like as though i'm an extra in his life.At times i just want him to be with me but that's selfish because..just because i lack the family love which i never had since young till now,that doesnt give me the permission to rob him of his to..And i really admire how his parents brought them up.
Well,all in all,i hope few years down the road,when i have a career and a family..Everything would change...
Insya'allah.amin.
